MY FIRST PASSOVER

Running late,

I leave wearing linen pants, a silk blouse, flip flops and no sweater...

No lunch in anticipation of

an amazing vegan dinner made by Macy’s husband.

Driving, I think, "What was I thinking?",

I'll freeze up in the hills.

I reassure myself,

I mumble under my breath

“Nothing to worry about.

I’m sure we’ll be eating inside.”

Lots of unfamiliar winding roads to get to Macy's house,

apprehension going to an unknown home with my 2 herding dogs:

Rabbit and Scout.

Macy insisted on inviting me

And she insisted I bring my high maintenance dogs.

Hers are back East.

“Uh, ok” ( I think)

I drive up to "the A frame at the end of the street",

only to find it's the wrong A frame.

I call Macy.

More directions and better yet, she'll come out to meet me.

I get to another A frame at the end of another road and no Macy,

I leave the dogs in the car,

get out and start calling "Macy?"

It escalates to a fever pitch.

I'm now screaming "M-A-C-Y!!!!!"

I strain to hear this little voice from somewhere say....

"I'll be right there"

and so it begins:

Kiss,

Kiss,

Hug,

Hug

Scott, Macy’s husband, comes running out of the kitchen

with open arms,

"I'VE HEARD SO MUCH ABOUT YOU!"

big hug,

“This is Steph and her husband Matt”

WHA, WHA, WHAT??

I thought it was just the 4 of us, now there's Matt?

Big sigh.

I’m now distracted, I see and smell meat

An even bigger sigh..

Macy swore it was a vegan dinner.

My stomach starts to turn.

The dogs are running around like chickens…

(if I ate meat maybe I could finish that thought)

Frantically they’re looking for something to herd.

Suddenly, I start putting it all together.

It's a HUGE dinner party,14, not 4

and Steph brought her little dog.

Just something else for my dogs to herd.

“FUN, FUN”, I think while my head sinks,

eyes to the floor. I’m wondering how long I’ll last.

Macy apologizes,

she just flew in 2 hours ago

I give her a look of complete deflation..

She admits she knew I wouldn't come if

she had told me the whole truth.

( and I wonder, why she’s so determined to torture me?)

I let out a big sigh and give her a weak smile.

She pats me on the back and says

“C’mon! It’ll be fun!”

“FUN, FUN” I think…..right…..

Scott takes all the dogs to the backyard to introduce them

to Rudy,

the little dog.

Scout spends most of the night trailing behind

Rudy with her nose up Rudy's ass

Rabbit, my Aussie, runs around like a scared bunny about to be boiled.

(Yup, I went there. It was appropriate given the scene)

People start randomly showing up.

Complete CHAOS:

Greetings, hugging, kissing and of course,

my dogs trying to round up the guests much to their dismay…

Rabbit from behind and Scout in everyone’s crotches.

FUN, FUN….I’m now visually shaking my head.

“Can I help with anything”, I ask, trying to refocus my frustration.

Macy shows me a huge table, 4 flights up, on the rooftop deck.

She whispers “Scott’s cousin is a catch, you should date him”

I tell her I’m not myself today and she shouldn’t expect much.

I spend the next 3 hours walking up and down

4 flights of stairs with provisions, full then empty.

Up and down. Up and down.

14 bowls of Matza ball soup up 4 flights of stairs.

A plate of Matza given to some guy named Adam,

who tries to carry it up the stairs

even though I’m told he's recently had a stroke.

Rabbit, ever present, eats all the spilled Matza.

Adam slowly puts his finger up to his lips

so I’ll keep his secret as he grins at me.

FUN,FUN. We move on with half the Matza left.

All seated now.

The moon has risen, a giant ball of orange out of a movie.

We sit slurping our cold Matza ball soup.

I'm starving, freezing and uncomfortable with 12 strangers.

Of course, Macy is seated at the other end of the table.

This is my first Passover in LA

As if on cue, the coyotes start howling,

leaving my tied up dogs with one option,

and so they answer incessantly.

I try to shoosh them. When that doesn’t work,

I start yelling: “SHUT UP!” “SHUT! UP!!”

Now I'm embarrassed, starving and freezing

Matt tries to uncork a bottle of red wine and spills it on me.

I'm wearing a beautiful cashmere shawl of Macy's but the wine somehow ends up drenching my favorite linen pants.

Between the cold and the lack of food I can eat,

I’m officially in a mental fog, seeing floaters in my eyes.

The floaters distracting me and making me look insane.

I’m sure of it.

Scott apologetically asks if I got hit with the wine

I vaguely remember saying "yeah, my favorite pants"

I realize I'm being rude and begin back peddling.

It just gets more foggy from then on…

There's lamb and fish with bones

I don't eat lamb and the fish bones scare me.

We’re eating in the dark (as if the few votives lit would help),

trying to recite the Passover story with lots of humor.

At least I think it was that story....

Now we all wear masks with the name of one of the plagues.

I get "darkness". Are you fucking kidding me?

I'm still freezing and I haven't really connected with anyone.

Macy seems miles away.

Thankfully we decide to have dessert inside

and amazingly….it’s VEGAN.

I'm still freezing and starving, floaters in the eyes multiplying

I decide I can respectfully take my leave.

Standing in front of my car I realize

My car is the FIRST car in a very long line.

I'm so intent on leaving that I never say goodbye to most of the people.

I think no matter. I’ll never see any of them again.

One guest comes outside to move his car and points out

that I have created this long line by my piggish parking job

I look at Macy and sadly apologize for being so selfish.

Macy jokes that it looks like I want to steal her cashmere wrap

Dogs in the car, cashmere wrap back in Macy’s hands,

I can’t get out of there fast enough.

I now have to back down a very narrow driveway that seems never ending in the pitch dark.

I scrape against something on the side of the car

and slam on my brakes,

Dogs go flying.

SHIT!

Finally on the freeway I have a full on conversation with myself.

I swear to the dogs I’ll never leave my house again.

Home, I draw a really hot bath and afterwards climb into bed.

The dogs are exhausted. They crawl in with me.

They're still exhausted three days later.

So am I.

I found I had a fever when I got home.

No wonder.

I dreamt of driving in the daylight along PCH.

Suddenly pitching the car over the side of the road.

Falling in slow motion.

I survive

but I have to breathe air back into Heidi Klum

who isn't breathing...

Huh??

That was deep..

Jungian deep….

All I can think about now is how much I don't want to be in another crowd anytime soon...No more cliff diving!

Last night will go down in my history as the dinner of the plagues...on so many levels.

© black sheep matters 2017